The Flickering Flame

Life has been a struggle these past few years. Very rarely do you see an upbeat cheerful most on this blog. It is almost just as rare that I actually do post a blog. I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

Why? Well, it almost feels as if the only victories are small at best. Small victories seem to be few. It is the unfortunate reality that small victories are often dwarfed and overshadowed by large defeats. I seem to have more than one large defeat.

But there are other issues that just add on top of everything. It is the isolation. It is the loneliness. It is the sensation that I have been mostly forgotten by those I once called friends, and have been tossed aside by some people I currently care about. Most of the time, in my off hours, if I get a text message or call or email, 99 times out of 100 it is something from work. Example: almost every text and email I received today (labor day) was from my job. Today is a day off for me. I almost never get messages from friends. I hardly hear from the people I want to hear from. It is always me that has to reach out, and even then I have learned to not expect much of a response. 30 years of life has taught me not to expect much from people.

I can’t help but feeling that I am ignored because God himself ignores me. I have for the past few years called out to the Lord asking for assistance, for help, for a friend, for progress, for me to change. My prayers a met with silence. 3 years I have lived in North Manchester, and outside working 3 different jobs, very little has changed. Change, it seems, is given to others. My personal life stays the same. Just me, sitting on a couch, drinking tea and feeling depressed.

Writing this blog post is not a sign of me not trying. I never said I don’t try. In fact, I try a lot. No, posts like this usually mean I have once again wasted my time with my efforts. The friend, whom I stand in the middle of a parking lot till 2 am, but ignores me for close to 3 months after.

The couple at church who are open and friendly, then forgetful when I am out of sight.

The college buddy close by, yet so distant as he leads a life.

The friends I drive 10 hours to see for a weekend, just to be out of sight out of mind because I am not an active part of their lives.

One of these hurts more than the others, and I will let you guess.

This is the closest I have to friends. The closest I have to friends are people who either toss me aside or forget my existence. How can I not be angry with God? How can I not struggle with trusting Him? I feel as if my future has been taken from me, and any form of social stability has been pulled out from my feet. I am trying to figure out how to climb out of a pit I fell in, while others just walk by, moving forward with their lives. Pay no heed to the man who fell in the pit. Just move forward and it will just go away.

As a result, I feel as if I have had little personal growth in the last 3 years. I have felt so trapped and stuck where I am at in life. I make some progress climbing out of this pit, just to have my foothold give way causing me to fall back down. The impact hurts, making it a little harder to climb back up each time. Eventually, you are so beaten down that you don’t feel you can try again. That is where I am at.

Keep in mind, that is all metaphor. Bad metaphor. I have known people who didn’t understand metaphor (worked for one in SC). But you get the idea. I’m feeling worn out. No matter how hard I try, I feel stuck.

I’m tired of being forgotten.

I’m tired of being tossed aside by the people I care about.

I’m tired of the day to day struggle.

When it comes to material wealth, I have more than most of the world could ever dream of. But material wealth will never make me happy.  It’s having the right people in my life. There seems little I can do to change that. That choice, no matter how much effort I put in and try, seems to be up to them. And ultimately, that is up to God. But my words cannot move God the Father. If He is set to ignore me, so will everyone else.