The Circle

Round and round it goes.

First its high, then its low.

Where it stops, we always know.

I seem be stuck in this endless loop. I have some moderate success, followed by everything failing. I have 3 jobs in the last 3 years. About 6 months at the library and church, followed by about 2 years at Huntington University. All part time. In that time, I was trying to pursue missions in Germany with an organization. That fell through. The team was disappointing. I attempted to pursue my masters. That fell through. I couldn’t afford it, and there was no guarantee it would help me. Then the job ended. I looked and looked and looked for a new job. Landed a month of freelance at a place close by. That fell through. It was a very toxic workplace, and half the staff was quiting as a result.

And here I am. Unemployed…again.

I am without hope…again.

I put in countless applications. I landed some interviews for entry level IT at some respectable places. I got rejected by them and every other place I applied to.

And people wonder why I feel like a failure, why I feel worthless, why i feel like i am just a f*&$# up. I am going through the same garbage I always go through.

And as usual, no one has an answer as to why. Most of what i get are platitudes. “It just means something better will come along”. “Be positive, and good things will happen”. I just want to punch them in the face, and I am a pacifist. These sayings are not helpful, they just make me angry. They make me angry because they are just a bunch of bull. I’ve tried being positive, i’ve tried beleiving that is just meant something better was coming. In the end I was left without hope.

I dreaded and feared being going back to unemployment. It took me two years to crawl out of it last time. Those two years did a lot of damage to me. There is a sense of value and self worth that has been destroyed. I will forever doubt my own capabilities.

I just don’t understand why I have to keep putting my life on hold. Some many people i know are working good jobs and having families. They talk about how blessed they are, how much God loves them. And once again, it drives me to anger. I ask why doesn’t God love me? My cries have fallen upon deaf ears. They have always fallen on deaf ears.

Stephan Hughes does not matter in the eyes of God the Father.