Forward March

A few weeks back, I experienced a rare anxiety attack. It is not that I don’t deal with anxiety. I deal with a lot of anxiety if I am being honest. But anxiety rarely overwhelms me. If it does, there has to be a lot going on.

First off, there is underline anxiety about my future. With my job ending soon and me having no idea what to do next, it is an issue that isn’t going away anytime soon. Second, I had decided to change churches that weekend. I started attending the church that hosted the young adults’ Bible study. And then finally, the one that sent me over the edge, I found myself with a fury 4 legged bearded housemate.

This was a complete disruption to my already fragile routine. It just sent me over the edge. The hardest part was reaching out to some friends for prayer. I have always gone, it alone, and asking someone else to take on my burden is difficult for me. However, this is what calmed me down. Since then, things have become normal. While my future is still uncertain, I am starting to volunteer at church as well as meet with one of the pastors, who is helping me to really find my identity in Christ. As for my schnauzer, let’s face it, this is dog number 10. Not a huge change in my routine. I just need to do a better job of making time for my Udemy courses.

I think the big thing, however, is to not about the future. The joke is that it is “Future Stephan”‘s problem. While that is technically true, the fact is that in reality that is God’s problem. Not mine. The big thing I ask for prayer for is for me to not worry about the future. That I may place that burden upon the Lord. That is not easy. I want control. I want to be in charge of my own life and my own future. And how has that worked out for me? Well, it really hasn’t. Yet I have trust issues with God concerning my future. I have covered the reasons why numerous times over the years.

Instead, I am finding that I need to focus on the challenges that I can resolve. Be it making, learning, or doing. There are things in the here and now I can solve. I need to build up little victories before I can achieve the big ones. Small victories are easy to overlook in the face of big defeats and failures. Perhaps that is why I have felt like a failure so often. I am not the most optimistic person in the world. But there are small defeats that make the larger ones so much more discouraging.  Often times, there is a sense that I will never finish what I start. All of my plans and projects will be left incomplete. Perhaps that is what I am so pessimistic. I don’t want that to happen this year. I need a continuous string of small victories. These need to be the foundations on which I build. When a big defeat/failure comes again, I will have a firm footing to move forward. Easier said than done. I still have my depression I have to go toe to toe with.