Confessions of an Introvert – Exile

Depression and loneliness.

My oldest and most faithful companions.

Depression, my oldest companion. You followed me from high school to college. From Huntington to Los Angeles. From Indianapolis to Belgium. From travel to home. You were with me, always. And you have only every made the loneliness worse.

Loneliness, the brother of Depression. You make me feel isolated, even around people. You make me feel like life is missing something important. Companionship. Laughter. Joy. Love. Instead you make me feel worthless and unworthy.

When all else leaves me, these two remain.

I hate them both

I live in a small rural-ish town in northern Indiana. It is the only place available to me right now. While having a house to myself is great (and much needed), that isolation is maddening.

I have lived and worked in Hollywood; lived in Brussels, Belgium; travelled across Europe, and travelled around the world.

How I ended up in the middle of nowhere is anyone’s guess.

Solitude is one thing. Solitude is necessary and welcoming for an introvert. Isolation is a living hell. Watching as the world goes by through a very narrow window. A window that can never show a true picture. And yet this digital window is my only line to the world beyond this place of exile. I have few friends in the area. I hardly get to see them, despite my best efforts. They all have lives of there own, and rightfully so. I only recently intruded upon them. Most of the time I check to see if anyone is free, naturally they have other activities taking place.

Its frustrating.

The digital rose-colored window shows me people who have friends and companions. It shows me happiness, love, excitement, opportunity, adventure and joy. Things I have strived for. Things I feel are beyond my grasp. I believe the lie that I am unworthy of such things. Most friendships I make feel as if they are only temporary. Why invest the time and energy anymore if it will all just fade away?

I feel more jaded and cynical than usual wen it comes to relationships of a romantic nature. 6 engagements announced, 3 weddings, and a baby announcement in 1 week. These are beyond my comprehension. I haven’t been given the opportunity. I don’t even have the chance of the opportunity anymore.

I’m left to the torment of my own thoughts. I am left to think I am lesser, only flawed, awkward, and undesirable. I hate myself for being so much less than everyone else. I know this is a lie, but the lie has more evidence than the truth. The truth feels like an empty lie. The lie feels like a proven truth. What a backwards, corrupted thought.